For all the joy and magic of the holiday season, comes stress. Managing children moving between two households can make it even more stressful. Here are some tips to increase the joy and magic with good holiday co-parenting:
1. Don’t allow unreasonable (but good intentioned) expectations of other family members to ruin your child’s Christmas.
Prior to the divorce “Allie” and “John” would drive up from their home in Minneapolis to Duluth to have Christmas Eve dinner, play board games late into the evening with Allie’s parents, and open presents with the grandparents the next morning. Post-divorce, Allie has parenting time on Christmas Eve from 10AM until Christmas day at 10AM. Nonetheless, Allie’s parents were pressuring her to continue the tradition which would mean that the children would have to get up at 5AM on Christmas day after a late night of board games which would result in the children being tired and rushed. Not fun for anyone and not fair to your co-parent who will have to deal with exhausted children on Christmas day!
Often, divorce will change family traditions. Grandparents and other family members can often (unintentionally) make you feel guilty or pressured to fulfill those traditions. Allow yourself to do what is best for your family and your children. Maybe that means inviting the Grandparents down from Duluth and having dinner, board games, and present opening at your home. Maybe that means having the festivities shift to December 23rd from the 24th. Maybe that means having a conversation with your co-parent and modifying the parenting plan. Maybe that means that you and your children make totally new traditions together. But be OK with the fact that the holidays might look different (and possibly even much better) after a divorce or separation.
2. Make sure that you have a schedule.
Hopefully in your divorce or custody agreement, a specific schedule was laid out. If you do not have an agreement or it was not laid out in the agreement, start early with a conversation regarding holiday plans. This conversation should not be about one parent telling the other parent what “will happen” but should be an open conversation about what both parents would like which may (and probably will) involve compromise. After you have come to an agreement, send a quick text or email making sure you both understand the schedule. For future years and for multiple reasons, consider obtaining a specific court order relating to the holidays which can be done collaboratively. If you and your co-parent cannot come to an agreement, consider contacting an attorney or attending mediation.
3. Come up with a plan regarding Christmas presents.
Another issue that often causes stress between co-parents is how to deal with Christmas gifts. Here are some of the most common and positive ways:
1) Have separate presents and present openings but agree upon a budget. This allows both parents to purchase specific gifts that they want to buy but also come across as a united and equal force regarding the amount each parent is giving.
2) Buy and give all or major gifts jointly. In this scenario, some parents will chose to share present opening as a family (which will do a remarkable job of showing your children that Christmas is about them and sharing it together) or they will label major gifts as being from both parents. Lists can even be coordinated through a shared Google document to ensure that there are not duplicate gifts.
Finally, make sure that your child has also gotten a gift for the other parent.
4. Just breathe.
Holidays are stressful. Holidays for a newly separated/divorced family can be even more stressful especially for kids who are often exhausted from having two (or more) Christmas celebrations. Fights between parents are often magnified for children over the holidays.
Instead of getting angry at the other co-parent when they are late or surprise the children with a large, un-agreed upon gift, take a step back and decide whether you want your child to associate that Christmas with an argument. Most likely you do not. Instead focus on the positive such as: our child was late because s/he got to spend extra time making Christmas cookies with grandma or our child was excited to get a new bike. This does not mean that you look the other way; it just means that you can chose to deal with the issue at another time after Christmas and not in the presence of the children.
5. Encourage and support your child’s time with the other co-parent.
When families separate, the child can feel sad about leaving one of his/her parent’s to spend time with the other parent during the holidays. The child may say things such as, “I am going to miss you on Christmas and I wish you were spending it with me”. This can be based on the child feeling guilt that they are leaving you for Christmas. In addressing your child, acknowledge that you and the child are doing many special holiday activities together, that you are very excited for the child regarding the activities that they are doing with the other parent, and convey to the child that you are going to be OK too.
6. Be creative.
Obviously, a child cannot be at two Christmas’s at once. Just because it isn’t December 25th, does not mean that your child can’t celebrate Christmas with you. Form a new Christmas tradition of waking up for presents and a Christmas breakfast feast on December 24th. Take from another culture and make New Years a big celebration and gift exchange time. Start a Christmas tradition of making special Santa cookies for your child to take over to your co-parent to leave out for Santa (obviously, talk to your co-parent first). Take your child shopping for toys for children in need, wrap them together, and deliver them to a non-profit. There are countless ways to celebrate the Christmas spirit which do not have to be done on the morning of Christmas day.
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